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Monday, April 20, 2009

Human Morcellator! Watch out uterus...her she comes!!!

Hysterectomy is a procedure in which you remove a lady's uterus. Usually the uterus is small and comes out willingly through nature's birth canal (yes yes Vagina)
Sometimes though, the uterus will be too big to pass through. Here again, as is the trend with human beings, we interfered with nature to create a cesarean delivery for the larger than life uterus. We created what is known as a Morcellator. This evil little device is a machine which rotates with a blade and carves out slices of the muscle tissue that makes up the bulk of the uterus to take it out bit by bit from the ports we use in laparoscopy.

So, one day we were in the "Hospital of the Stars"(will clarify on request), doing what we do best...helping people do laparoscopy, when a particularly stubborn Morcellator refused to do its job properly. There we were with a fairly large uterus inside a somewhat small abdomen with a smaller vaginal opening which refused to morcellate with that darned machine.

Doctor's are known to be people who don't give up easily....I think its something we learn while undergoing medical training in our colleges and during our internship, because if you give up then you just can't make it in this business. So anyway, in walks a lady doctor who earns the title of this blog. Boss, (who I'm considering calling Woody but think its too impersonal and has nothing to do with Woody Allen but is just as famous) cracks one of those cracks that make the entire room reverberate with laughter. He calls her a Human Morcellator becuase she has this uncanny ability to remove such uteri from the vagina by a crude process which involves a lot of pulling, tugging, slicing, shaving and what have you!
She proudly accepts the fact that she can do it. Its now an ego issue you see because she has been throned on the proverbial tree of chickpeas (colloquially known as Chane ka Jhaad).

Friday, April 10, 2009

New Hospital, New Work, New People, Same blog

I've changed my place of work yet again. I know its been too often now, but when opportunity knocks....I tend to grab it by the balls!

I am now officially a fellow in advanced laparoscopic and bariatric surgery, closer to home, better work environment and more academic than before. I was thinking of creating a seperate blog for this seeing as I could do some damage with inflammatory lines but I think it will be taken in the spirit intended, so we shall continue with this one.

I should have a lot less emergency work here but it should be more challenging work nevertheless. We deal with obese people all the time and I'm beginning to look at people walking on the streets and saying...hmmm we could operate on that one.
Its surprising how many people have gone from overweight to obese in the last five years. Either they have no idea what recession is or they're trying to eat their way through it.

We have a full fledged team here and that means more people to write about and more bloopers to be committed. Our nutritionist, Miss Mandakani, aka Konkan Sundari aka Ratna ki Rani (she'll figure out why she's called that) is obsessed with photo's of herself and losing weight by July. My colleague fellow, Mr. Gottogo, will not stay 5 mins more than he needs to, but he's probably got a reason for it. The senior member, Mrs. Motivator, loves dogs, reeks politeness and always encourages us, will soon be fed up of being nice to people(or so I think). Our anaesthetist, Miss FBaddict, cannot get enough of the fact that the best invention in recent time has been that facebook is accessible on the Blackberry. She is excellent at her job, always pushes us to do more for ourselves, lives life queensize and is going to be my source for novels to real. The boss, is an established name in the industry and shall not be written about too much for fear of losing my job...hehehe.

Now that we're done with yet another introduction to work places, we shall have something better with the next blog, hopefully.

My Parents don't love me....

Now that I'm at HH I expected a bunch of nice interesting cases to write about but Mumbai is too full of stupid people for them to be only interesting. So, this one is interesting but its even funnier.

This young guy comes into the casualty, full hero type, walking in with one hand holding the other forearm and proudly announces that he has cut his hand.
We take him onto the minor ot table and open his dressings to find out that he has 'very cleverly' managed to slice through his forearm muscle into an artery that fountains like the hot springs of varanasi!

Questioning reveals that he cut his hand because nobody loves him and he is fed up and his parents don't care for told to the police. Now, people who know me will understand that I don't take this bullcrap as being true at any given point of time and there has to be another reason for stupidity in teenagers...most likely girls. I put on my rudest, meanest tone of voice and ask him flat out, "When did you fight with your girlfriend?" He proceeds to deny it, I ask him again, he denies again, I proceed to give him an injection real hard and ask him again. Out it comes, half hour ago, at a prominent centrally located park in the city, close to the hospital.

He says he loves her but she is scared of her parents, he says he had sex with her, wants to marry her(no she's not pregnant), but her parents won't allow it. He begs me not to tell his parents. My junior is sitting there with her jaw hanging down not believing this could be done because of a girl. Well, we manage to patch him up, his dad arrives, we don't tell him much other than that the boy needs a psychiatrist for his uncontrollable emotions.

Bottom line - Guys, if you want to cut yourself for a woman at least do it right! Don't just slice out some skin, go for the throat and at least make it more interesting.

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